Musings of the Lonely
by Halter
Summary: Your name is Eridan Ampora, and you are completely alone. Suffocating under the strain of life, of acting like it doesn't hurt because, well, it does. Sadstuck. Triggers inside. Part 2 in my Musings series.


**alright, I was in the mood for some sadstuck. I've decided to keep my one shot options open, and the Musings line is perfect for sadstucks. So if I'm in the mood to write something depressing, I'll put it in this series. So here we are, part 2 of the Musings. **

**Wait I should mention! EXTREME TRIGGER WARNING! SELF HARM, SUICIDE MENTIONS, SUICIDE, CHARACTER DEATH, GORE, AND JUST ALL AROUND SADSTUCK NASTINESS! DO NOT CONTINUE IF THIS SHIT TRIGGERS YOU AT ALL!**

**Yup now here ya go.**

_**Musings of the Lonely**_

Your name is Eridan Ampora, and you are completely alone. Suffocating under the strain of life, of acting like it doesn't hurt because, well, it does. It hurts to have no one care about you, to have people just laugh when you try to make an actual connection. Even your moirail can't stand to be in your presence anymore: Fef just hangs out with Sollux, doing who-knows-what as matesprites.

You're left alone in your hive, keeping the tears in all day in public and releasing them only when you get home. It's not like people don't notice you... It's just that no one... Cares.

You're just the hipster freak, the Prince of Hope who's absolutely hopeless and nor even worth an ounce of time. The burden on everyone else, the one who no one can bear to look at, and they only have to tolerate since you were part of the game, and in this new universe, they didn't want to lose a connection to home.

So they stood by, they laughed at his feeble attempts to connect, and they left him completely, utterly, hopelessly alone.

Sometimes you wonder if anyone would care if you just... Ended it. Left this world, took your own life. You could never bring yourself to actually do it, however. Instead, you have thin white scars running up your arms, hidden by your shirt, and down your thighs. Some were scars, others were fresher, scabbing over, still oozing, tender pink lines. There are scars on your gills where you tried to scrape them off to maybe actually fit in and not be the seadweller, wrapped protectively in your fluffy scarf. Tears on your fins, hidden by the curl of your cape around your head. The scars on your cornias from when you walked out into the sunlight, staring at the ball of light in the sky until your eyes scarred and your skin crisped, when you pulled yourself back inside.

Everyone assumes your clothes are because you were a "hipster." No one knows that the glasses are prescription, or what your clothes hide, what your scarf covers up, or the cape disguises. No one knows why you wear your updo, no one knows that you rant on about wizards because you want them to believe that you still have hope, that somewhere inside you still wish someone cares to make sure you have hope, that you aren't drowning in despair.

Did you mention that you're drowning in despair, wallowing in your loneliness?

No matter how hard you try, you can't seem to get their attention, to get them to give a shit. It always ends up with them teasing you, making fun of you, belittling you. They assume your just being you, being a flirty Ampora fishfuck. No way can you actually want attention!

And that is why you find yourself on the toilet seat in your ablution block, performing your now ritualistic self harm. An image in your mind, a slice. A spoken word remembered, a cut. You feel numb, yet in pain somehow as you slide the razor through your skin like butter. The pain isn't from the blade, the pain is from the heart wrenching, aching loneliness. You gaze as royal purple overflows around the cool steel, blossoming on your damp skin, dripping in splatters on the floor. Your arms are a mess of blood, so you remove your trousers and start on your thighs. Words the other trolls have called you come to mind.

Worthless.

Hopeless.

Idiot.

Mirthless.

Tasteless.

Fuckass.

Screw up.

Weak.

Fishfuck.

And the one that hits you the hardest:

Waste.

You gaze at the now shredded grey skin of your thighs, and realize that with every delicious slice, every cool pull through your skin, resulted in letters. The words in your mind are now carved into your flesh, your sins written in blood. A small chuckle escapes your lips as you begin taking the blade and scribing more of the adjectives across every visible inch of epidermis, as you laugh louder and more maniacally every second, repeating some words but most are completely independent.

Lowlife.

Whore.

Die.

Flawed.

Cullible.

The word your moirail had called you when she broke it off:

Cold.

Lifeless.

Ridiculous.

Eccentric.

Lazy.

Useless.

All these words slide into your flesh, mania growing with every cool sting of razor, cuts growing deeper as you go, and you begin taking your own blood when you run out of room and paint more words on the walls.

Twat.

Tool.

Loser.

Your own voice, cackling and insane, is foreign to you, in fact any sound is ethereal. The now warmed metal, coated in blood, digs into your skin ever so deeper, deeper, seeking comfort, until at long last you finish with one last word, the blade ass deeply dug into your flesh as you can, dragging across your face. You can't see as the blade cuts into your eyes, releasing white fluids to mix with purple, the word that defines your existence carved into your face, and you finally do it, the thing you've contemplated for so long. The life flows out of your body, leaving the person to find you horrified. Everyone needs you more than you believed, but it's too late now. You're a lifeless body on the floor. Everyone is devastated, and everyone sees your mutilated body, the razor dug into the end of the word, carved into your flesh, into their hearts, slammed deep into the skin, through bone, and into warm thinkpan material.

Alone.

**alright this one was way better tthan Musings of the Forgotten, I gotta admit. Poor Eri... *tears* check out my other stories. Read and review, everything is always welcomed! Love you all!**

**Hugs and kisses!~halter**


End file.
